Dressing on the side

Sometime in 2008, I went to E-Centre with my Gees just to chill; we were so bored that we decided to go into the Koko Lounge we heard about and watch an EPL match with some drinks since there was no movie of note to watch. On getting to the door, a fierce looking bouncer opened the ropes after assessing us from head to toe.

Alas!, I said to myself as I walked into the newly opened lounged owned by D'banj, a popular Nigerian hip hop act. We all walked in like we were regulars at the bar (back straight, smart steps, nose slightly up and mobile phone in hand) as we hailed some guys we knew. Looking back, Obi was no where to be found. "Ah wetin happen? Where Obi dey now?", I asked Jibola, Audu and James. They all looked as surprised as I was as they frantically searched the bar for him.

That same minute Sunderland scored against Manchester united to make it one-all at 90'. A Wonderful long range effort from Sessegnon, the Benenois international kept the "Enemies" happy and sent the whole room into raptures. Finding Obi here was impossible so we did the wisest thing..........called his mobile.

"The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment, please try again later *pause* Thank you" yelled the annoying lady that keeps saying the same thing when the MTN network is doing the usual.

Tension began to build-up gradually as we unanimously agreed to form search parties. "Operation find Obi" I sarcastically named it as everyone moved out of the bar briskly. Outside we found our dear friend Obi looking like a lost pup. We all heaved a sigh of relief, as everyone began to tongue-lash him.

Obi bemoaned his inability to enter the lounge because the bouncer "bounced" him. After having a good laugh, we decided to coax d bouncer that he was with us. Rather than succumbing, the bouncer told us through his teeth that Obi would not enter the lounge except he changed his footwear, shirt and perfume.

You can trust boys naa, we laughed like we were crazy *chuckling* and we started "stroking" Obi telling him he had no dress sense and used "Malla perf" as we walked towards the confectionery section in the building. Though he looked very ashamed, we didn't spare him.

 This single experience reminded me of the words of my one time Registrar in the university. "The way you dress is the way you are addressed and is a pointer to your address"

Though it initially seemed to me like baba was just trying to rhyme and appeal to the youthful crowd, I started to embrace the concept of dressing deliberately from the day I got to understand in clear terms what he meant.

 To sum it all up, it is necessary that you develop a mentality that implores you to dress decently, moderately and for the occasion to which you are attending. You don't have to follow the trend in fashion to be well dressed, just make sure you are clean, smart and appealing to the eyes.

Not to forget, it is not enough to dress well. You need the composure/air of confidence to carry whatever you wear.....that way you don't look like you borrowed the clothes or a "money miss road".

Dressing well would definitely open doors for you and give you a chace to prove you are worth your mettle; it is left to you what you have to offer.

                                                        Over and Out!!!

The Hidden Agenda

M.C: It's my pleasure to have your undivided attention for the next few minutes as our very own Black Jesus mounts the podium *long pause*.

 Black Jesus: Please keep an open mind and avoid assuming that you know what I'm about to say. *Hot Ushers serving refreshments*. I intend to inform, entertain and leave you utterly stimulated. Stay glued as you see a different variation of last lesson.

 (Hypnotises d audience at d wave of a wand)

 More often than not, the "Woman" is concerned with her appearance, the impression she gives others over other things. *check twitter if u think I'm soaping you* This is in no way a bad thing if she doesn't bare it all to get followers on the road or twitter. I believe she should care for her physical being as its a part of her that could be her selling point.

 Don't pre-empt me! Just follow my lead, I'm the writer anyways *rme*. The face is the prized asset of the "Woman" other than her curves, humps, cheeks, brows, eyelashes, ear, hair, shoulders, arms, palms, breasts, tommy, waits, hips, butt, thighs, calf, legs and feet. These are all wonderfully and fearfully made body parts specially bestowed on her by Yaweh. As such it is only wise that she makes the best of her body with care and fear so the maker would be delighted with her.

With the ground breaking development in the field of science and technology, the task of nurturing the female body has been made less strenuous but however more detailed and most importantly easily carried out by all and sundry regardless of social standing. With next to nothing, basic female body products can be purchased in markets and from roadside vendors. However, the highbrow areas offer more luxurious options to the more financially muscular females who can afford go to boutiques and stores.

There is always something for the "Woman" regardless of her budget be it for powders (various colours and functions), foundations, concealers, lip gloss, sticks and balms, eye shadows, serums, hair sprays, nail polish, perfumes, hair attachments, creams, soaps, relaxers and other beauty products not mentioned above.

It is very wonderful that humankind has been able to create and develop more contraptions for creating, maintaining and rejuvenating beauty in women. Over time the "Woman" has flourished physically through the use of these beauty products brought forward by science and technology. In contrast, it has been noticed that the "Woman" has begun to get carried away by the conspicuous parts of her beauty that other details of her physicality have suffered poor care and attention.

I don't know if you get my drift, I'm getting this vibe that you would become an unofficial evangelist of this message at the end of this piece *mischievous grin*. Quickly reconnecting to the subject matter, one would wonder if the "Woman's" beauty is made by conspicuous parts alone or whether these unseen parts play a greater role in making her beautiful.

 To me these hidden parts make or mar the conspicuous parts and as such, negligence in tending the former renders whatsoever care administered to the latter null and void. My view is subject to criticism but you should keep calm.......Black Jesus is involved.

Before you begin to turn all Wole Soyinka on me, try painting a picture of you being a guy sitting at the lounge this fateful saturday evening sipping on some high quality wine and then this beautiful lady catches your eye. Only for you to approach her and her body smells like sweaty football socks stored in a bag, her mouth reeks like garlic and her hair smells like a wet rug. Tell me, would you be impressed or discouraged?

Be sincere with urself. It is evident that the unseen such as hygiene is the backbone of all round beauty. A synergy between the conspicuous and unseen parts of the "Woman's" beauty births that confident, desirable, sexy woman you want to be. PS: Don't forget to keep your mouth, armpits, private parts, clothes etc clean and/or well shaven.

Le Struggle

Today's yarn promises to awaken your taste buds and in the same vein explore a terrain that you are quite familiar with. As you read on, you would encounter ideas that either challenge or galvanise your existing thought patterns. As I know, you are open to new knowledge even though you hold your views in high regard. I'm convinced that you would be left stunned at the end of this work.

 Black Jesus advises that you take a deep breath and relax as he serves you this exquisite dish on the "Woman" our focal point of learning today.

 No matter what definition you favour, No matter how you think the "Woman" operates and should operate, No matter your sexual orientation (Gay or Straight; topic for another day), the woman remains important, dynamic and is even the focal point in our society today. No wonder The "Woman" is regarded an embodiment of emotions, strength, empathy, love, beauty and dedication.

 A friend humorously said to me that "All men came to the world through the thighs of a woman and struggle all their lives to get back in". Even though I laughed hard at this joke, it was indeed true. Then it dawned on me the extent of the power women wield which motivated this write-up.

 Over the years, the "Woman" has been lost in the struggle for relevance and equity in our seemingly male-dominated world that she no longer recognises her inherent power and importance. You might begin to say to yourself "where did you get your statistics from?", "who are you to tell me who I am?".... Its okay, I would be worried if you aren't puzzled especially if you are a woman.

 The "Woman" who is a life giver, future determinant and controller of the "controller" has now relegated herself to the background of human affairs by struggling over what is already her's. "Curiosity killed the cat" they say and "Ignorance is a disease". Unfortunately for the woman, she is plagued by both curiosity and ignorance which forms the basis of the problem that threatens the existence of womanhood itself.

 She wants power, parity, justice, respect, recognition, a level playing ground, love, care, attention, wealth, sensitivity, relevance, fulfilment among other desires but the "Woman" forgets to ask herself certain questions.

 What is power? Why was she created? Is she powerful? Is she in her right place? Why does she think she is submerged by the male-dom? To what end is her struggle for "equity"?

 I would rather have the "Woman" engrossed in maintaining and maximising her naturally inherent soft power; her ability to persuade, convince, compel, insist and manipulate which if deployed properly and strategically could outdo the ability to dictate, delegate directly and command respect by brute force.

 If the "Woman" utilises this soft power properly, her influence would know no bounds. The enviable thing about this is that she has the ability to effectively control the "controller".

 My point is not to say that the "Woman" should not aspire to occupy positions of authority that may require the use of hard power NO!!! But to stress the need to focus on soft power which is her innate strength. As she searches for relevance and power, her quest should be supported by a conscious development and use of the power in her that makes her different and more influential than her male counterparts.

 To be modest, if she can effectively adapt Black Jesus' ideals in her day to day dealings ehn

   *IT IS FINISHED*

This Is Serious

I remember seeing a twitpic on twitter and there was dis collage carrying the pictures of Karl Marx, William Shakespeare, Henry Ford, Albert Einstein, Adolf Hitler and co on one hand, with Kim Kardashian on the other. The message underneath said, "you are the problem if u know Kim and you don't know the other great men".

 I asked myself, why would someone want to say something like that? So what if I know Kim Kardashian and I don't know the "philosophers"? Why would another person judge others on his/her own grounds?

 Infuriated by the hypocrisy of our people and environment, I wondered why people act like they are the best and the most intellectual just cos they are holding a Dan Brown book or cos they open Wikipedia before twitter/instagram anytime they go online or because the appear to be "serious".

 It doesn't matter if I don't like Mozart, Jazz or Acapella, if Fuji is what I like, why can't I choose what I love and love what I choose? Why must I have an accent to be "tush?" Why must I be "yellow" before I'm beautiful as a girl? Why must I lie that I like lasagna or any funky chop just to be "accepted" meanwhile guguru and epa is my 1st love? why can't I just be and be happy?

 It saddens me when I see some people castigate others because of their belief systems. Many talk down on some, some talk down on many and others even de-friend others simply because they have divergent views that shouldn't even affect a friendship. What would happen if we all condemned each other because of our varying beliefs? How many friends would we have left if we de-friend them all? How long can u keep making and letting friends go?

 You know that people have the right to their beliefs (as enshrined in the fundamental human rights), hence you shouldn't condemn anybody outright because of their choices. Its in poor taste, especially if you are educated and exposed (you should know better). In fact, it is a violation of their fundamental rights as a human being.

 How would you feel if I condemned you because of what you think, feel or believe in? What if I told you that your mentality was ridiculous or outright stupid? Would you be dancing for joy that I think you are a joke?

 Do you know how people feel when you laugh at them because of their ways? Do you know how many people living with low-self esteem or no-self esteem today? Do u know that some people just need to be accepted or better still "ignored" on their belief systems to be happy? Why don't you make the world a better place by shutting the hell up sometimes even though you don't like or accept someone's belief system.

 As such, this is a clarion call imploring you to "plix plix and plix" be less judgemental in your dealings with others. Even though your dress sense, religion, culture, diction, background, taste etc may differ, tolerance is highly needed.

 Rather than taking a judgemental stance, why don't you try to enlighten, correct or even ignore such a person.

 *in Baritone voice* "Verily Verily I say unto you, the world would be a more habitable place, the people would be less traumatised, infuriated and bitter if you joined the movement and worked towards making your immediate environment "better" by Saying NO to discrimination, condemnation and hypocrisy".

Rendezvous of Life

It was on a wednesday evening, I hurriedly rushed down from Surulere to Onike to see a friend. The appointed time was for 7pm and as at 6:45pm I was stuck in traffic at Ojuelegba. "Oh no" I sed to my self as I pondered on how to cut corners and beat the traffic. This happened to be one of the few days I was glad I didn't have a car yet (its easier to get-out of d bus and find ur square root than outta ur car)

 I'm a man that loves being prompt but this day it all seemed like I was gonna be late. Fortunately for me I got to the rendezvous spot for 7:15 and she wasn't there yet, so I settled down and freshened up for another 5mins before I called her to ask where she was and also "claimed" to have been waiting since 7pm ( u knw as e dey go na).

 10-15 mins after, the lady waltzed in and kudnt even apologize for supposedly coming 35mins late bt then as a cool guy that I am,I shenked it and faced d hangout (which she tagged a "date" later into it,we wud get there). Placed orders for 2sharwamas and drinks that cost me a couple of thousands (felt like santa this day, so I made it my treat) as we waited for our chow, we chatted away about old times and all.

 When the chow arrived, I started eating almost immediately while she was still forming one or two things (well dts her bizwax....a nigga gotta eat mehn esp wen I'm paying). Mid-way into the chow, the lady complained that her drink wasn't enough for her and she wanted another one. Unfortunately for me I had just N50 in my wallet (then it dawned on me that I ddnt keep tabs on my money given the fact that I hung out with my friends that same afternoon).

 Feeling somehow, I jokingly told her I had no money again that she kud eida buy the drink herself or take my atm and use it someplace else (knowing there was no atm around). Only for this chic to start laughing and calling me names (this is when I got to know dt it was a "date" not a "hangout").

 Even tho she took money (vex money) from her purse and bought herself some water, she never stopped lamenting on how stingy I was and bla bla. I tried explaining that it was out of my carelessness that I didn't check my wallet before coming moreover I was in a hurry.....o boy dis chic no wan know o, so I kept quiet and let her say all she had to say ( dis girl bin dey remind me of tins wey happen almost 4yrs ago....wz like TF).

As she bickered on, I couldn't help but shake my head in utter disbelief (I wudnt have tot she would do that, we were friends for say 4yrs and she cn act like a jerk and ruin our hangout cos of N100)....mehn people need training.

 Nywyz I dnt wanna say this story again cos tokin about it infuriates me actually but then what would be the rationale behind the "many yarns"?

 -The thing is people should learn to give others the benefit of the doubt. Don't just conclude based on what it appears to be and react forthwith....try to chill and view it from other lenses, ud b surprised its not what it looked like.

 -Another thing to watch out for is planning, whenever you have a rendezvous of any sort, endeavour to map out ur itinerary and ensure u r set well before you set out. Try to leave home early enough so u can get there in good time (that way u dnt make sloppy decisions).

 -Always state in clear terms the purpose of a rendezvous beit hangout, date, meeting or what-have-you. Ud b surprised how the nomenclature of the rendezvous could shape a person's outlook and reaction in such a rendezvous. (See the case study above)

 -Never ever complain/nag during a rendezvous beit a hangout or a date, leave the bickering for the after date. Just go with the flow, enjoy it and act like everything issokay. Don't ruin a perfect time out cos of petty issues, some guys like me wud neva hangout wit u again.

 -Be grateful always no matter the magnitude of what was done (big or small). U don't know how hard d person tried to please u, don't write anything off cos u wernt pleased. Its in poor taste actually.

 At this point, u shud be able to spot other lessons in the story and learn from them (u got a 21st century intelligent mind remember!).

 Thanks for reading and Happy 2013 mehn *fanfare*