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Dear School of Hard Knocks readers,

My name is Tega and they say I need help. Basically, I'm the most arrogant person you would ever meet, I have a really nasty attitude and I treat people like shit; that's what they say. Most of the friends I made in the past deserted me simply because they couldn't stand me. Not that I care or anything, I'm just saying.

You can't imagine the kind of things that run through my head half of the time, how I spend the remainder in self adulation. I do things because the world says I shouldn't, I love to break the rules and make mine, I take orders from no one; all I do is ME. If you aint me, you aint shit.

Before I forget, I'm darn good looking. I'm 6ft4 tall, I have 6-distinctive packs, broad shoulders, triceps, high cheek bones, a full beard, chiseled face and the most organised afro plantation in the world. Sorry if it seems like I am bragging, I don't mean to bruise your already battered esteem. That's just me! People naturally feel threatened when they are around me.

Financially, I'm waded! I spend money at will without much thought to saving or investing, I just blow money fast. You know the funny thing? People that save and calculate don't live the kind of life I live. They never seem to have enough while I lavish in recurrence just to give myself an emotional boost.

Did you just say church? Hahahaha I don't believe in any overrated god abeg. I'm just a dude who does his thing. Religious people infuriate me, looking pious and staring with their judging eyes. I'd rather worship myself

At work, I'm known for my efficiency and professionalism; the fact that I make hundreds of millions per annum for the company is the reason they are holding on to me. I know my colleagues and subordinates can't stand me and I'm unperturbed about that knowledge.

My family wants to have nothing to do with me, they think I have a drug problem. Friends are non-existent and I'm bereft of female companionship asides the women of easy virtue that pleasure me when I need to take a leak. These days I'm  beginning to think I have a problem, the whole world couldn't possibly be wrong, could they? However, I'm still me; anyone who doesn't take me for me can please leave me alone.

Notwithstanding I need to have a few people around me. People I can talk to, confide in and share wonderful memories with but I don't know how to go about it. I've tried times without number to no avail, so I gave up.

I guess I'm destined for a life of solitude and over dependence on social media to express myself, I hope the social media folks won't think I'm too needy and hate me.

Much Gratitude

Tega Tom

Chicken Nuggets

•Constant criticism never changes a person, it only leaves the recipient worse off.

•He that wants friends should show himself friendly.

Bonfo

Have you ever seen a trained zoo keeper being the president of a country or a baba ijebu addict being the head of finance in a bank?

Personally, I haven't seen any of the above. However, I have seen square pegs in round holes. I have also seen people do things, wear clothes and act in manners not befitting to them.

More often than not, these people actually love what looks horrible on them, they love doing what they suck at and they love acting in ways that taint their personality. Make the mistake of pointing out the obvious, you're in trouble!

What then should we do? Especially when our friends/those we care about are in the "bonfo situation". For clarity sakes, the bonfo situation is a state of being where an individual or group of people dress, act or do things that would ordinarily not suit them.

I have this friend, Job; a jolly good fellow who I've never seen erupting in a fit of anger. Everybody I knew had an affinity for Job and loved being in his company, male and female alike. Love wasn't in short supply from his parents who gave him all he needed to have all his needs met.

In a nutshell, Job was okay with the 'world' and the 'world' was okay with Job; the equation was simple! Living everyday at a time and being everyone's favourite, Job lived a rather comfortable life not having to worry about the basic issues that plague the 21st century youth.

Lost in this abyss of coolness, Job never gave thought to what he wanted to be in life. He never broke the much needed words with us, he just did his thing. Today he is a chef, tomorrow a marketer and the day after a boxer. From time to time he changed professions, jumping from one unrelated field to another.

We tried to caution him, we advised him, we aired our views but he somehow did what he felt like doing at every point in time. We all knew he was in a bonfo situation; doing things he had no ability for. Job didn't care, he just kept living in the moment forgetting many destinies were tied to his; I thought he was selfish.

Even if he didn't want to be successful, he should have considered those destined to get their daily bread from him either by employment or sheer gifts. He should consider his parents who invested their all in order to put him in a good place in life.

Doing what he felt like was not only wasting his life but also created an ambiance of worry around his parents house and a future of uncertainty for the destinies tied to him.

I knew if he did what was required not what was convenient, he would maximize his potential, delight his parents and secure the future of those tied to him.

The question here is, how does he know what is required of him?

Senior Mugus

The bus jerked violently, pushing the passengers back and forth with reckless abandon. It halted abruptly by the side walk. After a couple of revs, the bus discovered the verb (to accelerate) to the silent delight of its proud owner; the driver.

Moving at a snail's pace, the bus' engine kept backfiring at regular intervals till it was eventually grounded to a standstill after sounding a loud bang. The passengers were beginning to look worried although nobody voiced his/her displeasure. They merely stared into space with long faces and the boldest amongst them broke a sweat.

Given that it was 7:50am on a monday morning, I had expected more than peace from the bus' passengers whose dressing presented them as junior level staff in profit thirsty companies or upcoming entrepreneurs. I wondered where the good old 'fear of a query' went to.

The driver was a rough looking man in his 30's who was fond of verbally assaulting the passengers, rudely yelling "go buy ya own moto na ogbeni" at any one that uttered or muttered. Maybe that justifies their decision to keep mum.

Depression, frustration, passive aggression, guilt, low self esteem, fear and pessimism were the other elements in the atmosphere asides water, oxygen, carbon-mono-oxide and carbon (IV) oxide. Coupled with the docile personalities in the bus, the recipe for disaster was already concocted.

It even took the intervention of ministering angels who touched their hearts in stealth mode to voice their complaints or find a way out of the potentially messy situation but most were stiff necked, preferring to sit in silence; waiting and hoping for the issues to get resolved.

Thirty minutes later, the greasy looking conductor disdainfully announced that the journey had been terminated; the reasons were best known to him and his uncouth driver. The passengers grudgingly alighted and demanded for a refund to cover the rest of the journey. Commotion ensued!

Everyone spoke at the same time in the highest pitch of their well rested vocal chords, imagine how deafening it was. The conductor was bent on spending the least possible to get the passengers to their destination, the passengers on the other hand wanted more than he was willing to part with, demanding what they considered to be fair.

After a heated argument and several insults/blows, both parties reached a consensus and parted ways around 8:35am. Later that day I saw 8 official queries, 2 yells and 4 lost business opportunities from this incident. The bus driver and his boy were however blameless in my sight.

Each passenger stands equally guilty: ignoring my envoys, failing to understand the times and seasons as they didn't speak when it was required. Their docile nature brought shabby treatment upon them and when met with their default mentality, supplied the music for a macabre dance.

#SpeakUpNigeria

Eyes

If the world ever needed to rank perverts, Samuel would feature in the top 100 purely by merit without the much needed 'words' from a well placed individual.

 Up until last month, Samuel was just the unassuming fellow I met at the gym during my workout sessions; we merely exchanged pleasantries. It didn't take a stare into a mystical crystal ball to see that the man was 'courant au jupon', as the french describe a chronic womaniser.

 Shortly after I hitched a ride with him from the gym, we graduated from being mere acquaintances to drinking buddies, business partners and I even became his informal wingman.

 Truth be told, when it came to pursuing women, Samuel stood a god. He had great looks and the financial power to back it up. With all these, he wasn't so verbally astute. Even to me, he was a tad too boring. The only time he came alive was when he was in a dimly lit club, dancing wildly to loud music. Now imagine how he would fare if left alone in the company of a woman.

 Regardless of his questionable personality, that he consistently clawed his prey was no mean feat. Being a master strategist; he always planned his coincidences with boldness. His persistent nature always got him the 'kill', little wonder females who literally built the great wall of China around themselves often succumbed to him with time.

 Samuel gave himself deadlines on his prospective preys whom he tagged 'packages'. He measured his performance from time to time and sought to adopt the best and most effective practices in his modus operandi.

 Samuel's ability to get females by packaging himself (his looks and purse) while being careful to get hIs weakness covered by me his wingman, sparked a thought in me. He usually left me to do the talking and jesting while he sat in silence, smiling and appearing to be mysterious.

 I imbued that a business or a person could be successful even though not being fully armed with the requisite expertise. Its simple:
•Like Samuel invest decently in branding and its management.

 •Set deadlines for the completion of tasks and projects.

 •Constantly evaluate performance objectively.

 •Be open to change.

 •Be wise enough to build and maintain networks that would be beneficial to what you do.

 •Ensure you don't underestimate the power of outsourcing labour especially when it comes to an aspect you're not savvy with.

 Most importantly, be willing to capitalise on the power of perception after you have done the aforementioned.

 That is how to make your disability your most formidable weapon.