Woli Garbage

Shivering vigorously and ringing a bell repeatedly, I watched the dreadlocked prophet bellow in a loud voice saying "Hear me and hear me well! o ye inhabitants of this accursed world; a time would come where all would amount to nothing and nothing to all; just tears and sorrow. The wealth of the rich would lose face, the poor would delight in their lack....kin would turn against kindred, Flora would turn against Fauna, fathers would rape their daughters, women would cook their young just to feed...it is gonna be anarchic I say unto you", the man cried out in sorrow.

 I stared as if I was hypnotised and with more strength, he cleft to the biggest crucifix that could be found in sub-saharan Africa. He cleared his throat and announced to the crowd that he was the chosen-One; the one highly favoured by the spirits, endowed to tell the world their fate. I felt a cold rush down my spine, saliva went dry in my mouth, goose bumps appeared all over my body as I stood there, rooted to the ground; sweating.

 The prophet sprinkled some murky looking water around his circumference. His voice thundered and his eyes probed, nevertheless he managed to say in a calm voice, "Trouble is coming!!! Trouble is coming".

 He predicted that the world would end tomorrow and he didn't need to be a descendant of Nostradamus to know that.

 "I forsee a world where women would wail and gnash their teeth, the strong men would weep like babies yearning for motherly breasts. The sun would raze homes, many farmlands would become desolate, water bodies would dry up, children would live like orphans, currency would be valueless and the streets would stink of decomposed bodies", He cried out in anguish as we all listened in fear.

 "I see the annihilation of the earth, then the disappearance of the stratosphere. The world is on the verge of collapse...can't you see this people?", He questioned in a frustrated manner.

 "Tomorrow, the earth shall cease to be....we shall all lose our lives, breath shall leave our bodies and we would return to the maker", he prophesied amidst tears. This news made everyone uneasy; some women wailed, the men bowed their heads looking dejected. Every one was taken aback by the words of the prophet as he left on his way with his assistant ringing his bell and screaming "Trouble...Trouble...Trouble is coming". 

 I went to bed with a heavy heart that night saying my prayers to God with the hope of waking up in paradise. As I rolled on the sheets, I could hear the noise from the streets; people calling to whatever the served as gods. 

 The next morning, I was awoken by the screams and jubilation of the people. I could hear a talking drum beat in the distance....The prophet was wrong or maybe he couldn't hear the spirits again.

 "I shouldn't have believed the prophet", I muttered. I sat on my bed with my head in my hands feeling stupid. How could I take the word of a man as the will of God? How could I be setback because of some negative predictions? I vowed never to allow any man's words determine my feelings, actions or inactions.

Its not that hard

(Motorist signals to gateman to remove an obstacle)

Gateman: Oga, you cannot park here; go front abeg!

Motorist: *seeming impatient* I just want to use the atm, I would be done in 2mins. Hold on!

Gateman: You nor dey hear word? I say you no fit park for here abi anoda tin dey dia?

Motorist: *taking offense* What do you mean? Do you know who you are talking to? I can make you lose your job this minute.

Gateman: (after having a good laugh) my oga is at the top abeg! jus bekos you zee me dey do gateman work no mean say u go follo me talk anyhow. This na my office and I be the general manager for hia! Carry your motor comot for dis place abeg

Motorist: How dare you address me in this manner? You this good for nothing loaf head, I must parler with your employer this moment; you ignoramus, bum-bum clat, bloody kinta kunte. Don't you know that I am Chief Adedotun Quincy-Jones, the MD/CEO of Quincy-Jones and sons? You must be a nutcase to address me in that manner.

(People start to gather and watch the goings-on)

Gateman: (Looking puzzled) wetin bring all dis tory now? Me jus yarn you say my oga tok say make person no park for hia. Ehn oga mi sir, e be like say u dey mistake me. I no follo you fight o, I jus dey tok say make you no park for hia.

Motorist: Now I can see that you are a moron. That your brains are in a delapidated state, you have indeed been given over to a reprobate mind. I'm quite certain your birth was prompted by coitus between a midget and a dullard. Get out of my sight!

(The manager rushes down to alleviate the looming trouble)

Manager: Good afternoon sir! I'm the manager of this establishment and this man is my staff. Can you please calm down and tell me what is going on!

Motorist: Thank God someone is finally speaking to me in a manner befitting to someone of my calibre. I wanted to use the atm adjacent your building and I hoped to station my vehicle here before this menial labourer began to harass me.

Manager: I'm sorry about that sir, he surely didn't mean to be rude. However, there is a no-parking rule and he was given specific instructions not to allow people park here.

Motorist: Ah! Here comes another foolhardy one. I thought you had a solution to proffer, you simply echoed exactly what this ignoramus has been saying. You people don't know who I am..(laughs scornfully)..my wife is the commissioner for works and housing, my daughter is the marketing manager of Google Nigeria. In all humility, I am a business juggernaut myself. I have the ability to make or mar your business if you don't let sleeping dogs lie.

Gateman: ooOoooooooooo wish kain yeye tok dis man dey pour for mouth wey d tin dey draw am like say na mama Nkechi ogbono.

Manager: Akpan, shut up! (Facing the motorist) sir I don't think your approach is the best. You cannot park here and If you refuse to move, I might be forced to invite a law enforcement official.

(The motorist impulsively slaps the manager and a scuffle ensues, the gateman later joins in. 15 minutes later, a policeman arrives on a motorcycle and separates them)

Policeman: Oga what is happening here?

Motorist: I parked here and this smelly security man started yelling at me. He spoke to me with no discretion, I can confidently conclude that he is a total scalar quantity. His incontextuous volant-style of abuse was abysmally quagmire-like in my own opinion. I was left with no choice but put him in his place.

Policeman: emmm that is not what I'm asking you sir, I just want to know what happened.

Manager: This is what we have been facing o, he speaks all this grammar and then stoops low to physically abusing me and my staff.

Motorist: I'm certain many of these words are completely alien to you. Its with immense sadness that I announce to you that you are perpendicullarly located and simultaneously similar to a nincompoop.

Manager: Some screws are lose in this man's head oga police, please place him in a mental home.

Police: I would put that in this report I'm preparing. This man is mad.

Motorist: My heart weeps as I regard your opulent show of mundanity. At the same time I see you lack a degree of verisimilitude in your assessment of me. I must file a suit concomitant to the laws of the land. I must speak to my lawyer!

(The policeman, motorist, security and onlookers all speak at the same time, each trying to have his point heard)

From this incident, we learned that:

- When you are dealing with seemingly lowly people eg security, cleaners, servers etc you should be more cautious in your manner of approach, show some respect and you'd be surprised how they would bend the rules in your favour.

- Don't go about trying to prove to people that your are very important and well connected that you can disregard rules. Just be sensible and conform when required; it would save you your dignity.

- In your communication with others, select your diction carefully so you pass the message correctly. If the recipient doesn't understand you, then you are not communicating. Don't forget that clarity, coherence, simplicity and politeness are the features of a good communicator. A wrong choice of words could prove very costly.

                                                              THANK YOU

Baba Agbaya

*clears throat and wipes sweat with handkerchief* <> <> <> This write-up is (as the others) purely fictional; this is just to dismiss the thought that any other post which was fictional is true. I apologise for any similarities in names, areas, situations and the sensitivity of the subject matter.

 Now to the reason you opened this link in the first place. :D. I remember when I used to live in a face-me-i-face-you somewhere in the roughest part of Mushin. Not that things were bad for me at the time, I just wanted to stand on my own. I left the comfort of my parent's house just to prove that I was a man.

 Ofcourse the consequence was disastrous. Since then I vowed never to leave home until I was ready. Not after surviving on N10 garri, N5 sugar, N5 groundnut and tap water daily for almost a year. Things were so bad that I would soak the garri with a lot of water before leaving the house in the morning; My goal was to have the garri swell up by the time I returned at night .

 There were times when my clothes smelled of otapiapia (locally made liquid insecticide) because I had to douse my mosquito-infected room with cheap insect repellent. I avoided gatherings where my old school friends were present because of the ignominy of poverty. Many other things happened to me, some of which I can't speak of....anyhow sha, God knows best.

 However an incident occurred in my compound that led to my prodigal son-like return to my parents. I was wrongly accused and as such was in police custody for a day...the painful thing is after 24 long hours of torture and inhumane treatment, the officials at Alakara police station told me to walk free again that it was just a case of mistaken identity; I was furious.

 A little girl was molested in my compound and it got really messy. Shockingly, Baba Deji the vulcaniser was the perpetrator. The paedophile's room was next to mine and I swear I had no idea he constantly forced his way with little girls below the age of 10 in that same room. I just knew he had dvds of Ben10 and Merlin. Children always stayed in his room to watch "film".....Ashey d man used his coloured 14" TV to lure the unsuspecting youngsters.

 Baba Deji used to be married to a woman who relocated to Ijebu with her children after a prolonged quarrel. People in the compound swore that Mama Deji has the biggest bottom ever seen by naked eyes...no wonder no-one ever suspected his nefarious activities with the little girls.

 Iya Risi (the compound olofofo) noticed Doyinsola, an 8year old girl walking strangely and constantly fanning her private part one quiet saturday afternoon; this was just after she walked out of Baba Deji's room. She beckoned to the girl and checked her out, only to find a large deposit of semen around her thighs. She shrieked in horror as she raised an alarm. In less than 5seconds, everyone gathered at Baba Deji's door.

 We heard Baba Deji moan and grunt loudly and maliciously destroyed the door. To my greatest surprise, he was lost in his own world as he defiled yet another girl. About 3 other kids were there watching cartoon while he performed this horrible act on the defenceless kid. He didn't even hear the knocks or the bangs as we broke the door and got in.

 You can trust 9ja people na, they wan lynch the man but Pa Kolawole intervened and sought for the man to explain himself. Baba Deji told everyone amidst sobs and tears that it was "the devil's work" as he explained his modus operandi. Apparently, he lures them in with biscuits, sweets, cartoons and sleeps with them, then he gives them N10 and warns them sternly not to tell anyone. He had been doing it for about 6-months till the long arm of the frog caught him. Sadly, he had repeatedly violated all the girls between ages 5-10 living on the street before he was caught.

 The people called for his blood again as mothers began to wail in anguish and people cursed his generation. After about 2hours of intense deliberation, the elders decided to bury the hatchet and everyone went about their business. Mama Doyin who wept bitterly during the deliberations dressed up and went to report at the police station.

 I lay in bed that night fiddling with my palito when I heard voices outside my room. Shortly afterwards, my door was knocked. I opened up almost immediately and was arrested for violating under-aged girls.....To be honest, I was scared out of my wits. I kept on pleading and explaining my innocence but the law enforcement officers would have none of it. I was beaten, spat on and called names as I was bundled into the waiting van.

The next day, my neighbours came to the station to prove my innocence and I was eventually released. Baba Deji on the other hand was in the police net but all the kids he molested remained defiled and psychologically scarred. I wept inside as I rode the bus to my parent's house with my belongings; A Ghana-must-Go bag

1) I learnt never to jump the gun and to always take action at the appropriate time.

 2) I discovered that any sexual desire towards a child is unhealthy and punishable under the law.

 3) I saw that there is nothing hidden under the sun for long.

 4) I found out that many females out there have suffered one form of sexual harassment or the other growing up.

 5) I concluded that paedophalia (a strong sexual desire for children) is a spiritual problem that must be exorcised (delivered through pankere mimo).

 PS: Men control your urges!!! Women protect your children!!! Kids beware of overtly friendly "uncles"!!! Together we can wage a war against sexual offenders especially those that pick on minors....Let's rid the world of this leprosic plague eating her flesh. So help us God *picks up AK-47*

Kilode?

It was barely a few minutes past 11 in the morning, the sun was already out (glaring its rays with careless abandon), the earth kept bouncing the sun's radiation off instantaneously without the welfare of its inhabitants in mind. In other words, it was terribly hot; I swear down, that heat fit fry egg.

 "What could we have done in this part of the world to warrant such hardship?", I asked my chi as I walked briskly down Toyin street hoping to get to the bus stop in good time so as to get a bus. After le struggle for about 15mins I finally boarded a rickety looking bus. Though the passengers looked kinda suspicious, I dismissed the thought that it could be a "one chance" bus as I hurriedly sat and replied a pending e-mail on my phone.

 After enduring the snail pace movement along Opebi axis, we finally got clear and i was left wondering why there was so much traffic; I couldn't even see the cause of the ruckus. In no time I drifted into deep thought as the breeze blew fiercely against my face while the driver sped off recklessly. A sudden scream brought me back to reality; the conductor and a roughly dressed man exchanged words which later turned into an insult contest.

 Omo come hear yab...I wanted to laugh but the situation was just too tense for that. In no time the whole bus erupted in a loud noise, everybody was trying to speak at the same time. The driver halted the bus abruptly, "Oh Lawd!!!", I moaned as I looked at my watch. It was 12:24 and I had barely passed Ikeja and its environs. To save time, I got down from that bus and looked for another.....had I known it was fry pan to fire, I woulda endured the noisy bus.

 I stood there for 30mins and couldn't find a bus, it was that time of the month so I def couldn't afford a cab. The weather app on my fone conspicuously displayed 37˚C; "What could have happened to the ozone layer in Lagos?, I asked my chi again; It used to be as cool as 25˚C in the afternoon when I was a kid. "What have we done to deserve this?". "What kind of useless country is this?", I thought to myself as I could feel my blood pressure rising steadily.

 I was beginning to get worked up and fume at the government that I couldn't see. I looked around and I saw illegal transactions going on between the LASTMA,VIO and motorists.....Drivers driving recklessly while they blared their horns unnecessarily....able bodied men surrounding a newspaper vendor, arguing about whoz better between C.Ronaldo and Messi.......school age children hawking pure water and recharge cards....beggar-women moving about with kids and some were even pregnant....a mad man was even having his fill of the sacrifice placed at the T-junction despite the scorching sun.

 All this was within the 100meters of where I stood, I was perplexed. Even though I couldn't do anything about the goings-on around me; I could put 2 n 2 together. I could explain why Nigerians were always intolerant and aggressive. I could justify the numerous fights and incessant abuses hurled on the streets of Lagos. I could blame the unnecessary marital conflicts on something other than "juju". I could understand why there was a mass exodus among the Nigerian youth to Malaysia.

 The Sun is the culprit.......we are the perpetrators.....let's save the environment ie Ozone Layer and reduce the impact of global warming. Be Eco-friendly today and avert a more chaotic Nigeria in the nearest future.