Adam's Apple

I sat upright at the north end of my bed deliberately avoiding the ice cold wall that stood behind my head. My eyes ogled the silhouette which stood in front of me and I swallowed hard. I couldn't  resist the urge to touch her, so I reached out for her left hand.

With my heart pounding anxiously, I just wanted this cup to pass from me. To be honest, I've not had rest since I got to Reykjavic. From wondering how people lived in ice buildings that never melts to thoughts on how to survive in a country where the language was tagged the most difficult in the world.

All I knew was that those ice houses are called Igloos and I was currently stationed in Iceland for the next six months of my life. The weather was killing me despite the fact that I was wearing thermal clothing from head to toe, the food was nothing close to the spicy meals I was used to and to cap it all, I was close to cheating on my wife of 5 years with the Icelandic figure that stood before me.

Do you know how hard it was for me? It was like the universe sentenced me to "weather for two" for the next six months and that's just a tip of the iceberg, the final blow was the fact that the woman  assigned to me for "pleasure" was my host's wife. She was called by the name Álmveig (pronounced Aahlm-Wege).

I couldn't believe my ears when I was told to always get pleasure from her. According to Mr Gunnarson, this was the custom and it would be really rude to turn this gesture down. Its like snubbing the handshake of the nation's president, How rude! If I still needed the only english speaking person I knew, I must have relations with his wife.

My religion says its adultery, my wife would be shattered to hear of my indulgence, my friends would lose the respect they had for me, my haters would laugh me to scorn saying "we always knew your marriage was a sham". I was torn between upholding the values of my people who are 10,000+ miles away from me or accepting the warmest welcome from my hosts, both of which have their pros and cons.

I can't recall the decision I made to be honest. All I know is that I had a wonderful stay in Reykjavic, I learnt basic icelandic, I was €2million richer, I earned the equivalent of 10 years working experience in 6 months, Mr Gunnarson was glad I was leaving for good, Álmveig cried sorely when I was leaving and gave me a framed erotic picture of herself at the airport.

Whatever happened in Iceland definitely stayed in Iceland- I was happy but my conscience wouldn't let me rest.
“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.” 
― Cassandra Clare 

Onye Nzuzu

Those that know me well are fully aware that I'm a very nice guy, even to a fault. My love for people has earned me the title "bobo kan nice" which connotes that I am an easy prey to folks that take advantage of others.

I was christened Iheanyi but my friends always call me Bolo, its like a nickname you know! Till today I don't know what bolo means, all I know is that everyone laughs whenever I respond to the name Bolo. It makes me happy to see people happy because of my nickname, I just feel like a better person.

Even though I'm a very cool guy, certain things could make me abandon decorum. I'm always irked when someone tells me an elaborate yet unintelligent lie, when I don't know what I'm supposed to know and when someone asks me stupid questions.
                                                        
Have you ever been interrogated by an annoying person before? It could be really frustrating, you form polite when deep down you want to scream at the top of your lungs then end it with a resounding slap.

Sometimes some people ask questions that make your inner child make the "oh really" face. Just take a look at this scenario


Me: (eating hungrily from a take away pack. The contents of the pack = Rice, beans and fish)

Annoying Person: Guy how far? (Looks into the pack) What are you eating?

Me: (Hesitates a bit, then ) Rice, beans and fish. (Deep down in my church mind I'm like I'm eating Your mum and Dad for dinner).

Hard knocks:
• Stop asking obvious questions, its really annoying. Its better to make use of your reasoning skills, that's why God gave you a brain.
•Ask questions only when necessary i.e. After you have explored all possible avenues to quell your curiosity.
Be smart when asking questions and you will be better for it.
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits" - Albert Einstein

Pending

OMG!!! its almost 3pm and I haven't done anything with my life today, asides watching tv and snacking at regular intervals. This is not how I planned my saturday at all. Anyway, what would be would be.

On a second thought, a heap of dirty clothes await my attention, the toilet reeks of urine, my car is covered with dust, the emails from the office are unattended to, yet my girlfriend wants us to meet up at the cinema.

I hope I'd be able to finish in time before the soccer game this evening.  What do I do now? Where do I start from? Would I finish in good time? I'm under so much pressure right now!

My cousin walked in while I was in a frenzy. After ascertaining the problem, he told me to do something for starters. Even if I didn't complete all my tasks, I would have done almost everything which is obviously better than lamenting about my work load.

Say No to forming activity and get off your ass today!

"The lazy are always wanting to do something".
- Vauvenargues

The Plague

My name is Netochukwu and I'm a graduate of business administration from a prestigious university in Nigeria (Name Withheld). Despite graduating the top of my class a few years back, I'm still unable to secure a good job.

I recently became tired of begging favours from distant relatives and near total strangers, so I decided to take up any job with any company willing to hire. In no time I got a job as a factory hand and I was appointed a supervisor because I had a degree. Not that the pay was much higher than the other illiterate factory hands but it gave me my dignity even though I was not where I was supposed to be.

After a back breaking day at the factory, I collapsed on my bed and in no time I was snoring (an action I always deny doing). I had a rather bizarre dream that night, I don't think it was influenced by the thoughts i took to bed. I also don't believe its a revelation from the supreme being, I would rather say the universe just felt like messing with me. Nevertheless, the dream goes thus:

I saw that all the Nigerian inhabitants were relocated to the USA and all the American inhabitants were relocated to Nigeria in a split second after the rush of a mighty wind. The infrastructure, resources and weather remained the same; in fact nothing changed except the absolute exodus of people from both countries to one another's countries.

There was endless pomp and pageantry among the Nigerians (who now lived in USA, drove American cars, ate American food etc.). On the other hand, the Americans sulked for a while before getting to work seeing that their new surrounding was not conducive.

Shortly after, I saw a Nigerian man urinate in front of the magnificent Trump Towers in Manhattan, another lady cleaned her fish and threw the residue out of her window, a child crossed the ever busy Washington boulevard without a chaperon  two youngsters beat the metro's metering system and a top politician promised to give each Nigerian an android device simply because they now sat on the largest oil reserves in the world.

The Americans (who now domiciled in Nigeria) were more concerned with changing their environment, one which they tagged as inhabitable. Nothing worked, the systems were outdated, the resources were untapped, infrastructure was dilapidated and the weather didn't even help matters. Rather than dwelling on what was non- existent, they sought to make Nigeria "habitable" and in no time, Nigeria looked like the US.

In the same vein, the Nigerians had turned the former haven to a slum. Everything previously in existence  collapsed before my very eyes and everybody went around doing their own thing. Soon Nigerians flooded the embassy clamouring for Visas to return to the American occupied Nigeria. I was in shock!

It became obvious that our geographical location or weather was not the problem but the people. A large percentage of Nigerians are lawless, have poor maintenance culture, poor work ethics, an inane  desire to dole out largesse to undeserving beneficiaries among many other sickening flaws.

That moment, a mosquito bit me on my jugular vein which of course left me hissing in pain. I still didn't forget the dream.