Redial

My mum opened the cooler of poundo-yam and exclaimed in horror, "Goodness gracious.......is this poundo-yam or tapioca?" She shook her head in utter disbelief as she opened the pot of fish stew; her already squeezed face suddenly had that smirk that made me worried. "Mummy kilo de?", I questioned with insecurity written all over my face. I knew I prepared what some people call food of life but I was yet hopeful that it wouldn't taste as bad as it looked.

 A few seconds later, my mum burst out in laughter; she laughed uncontrollably for roughly 2mins before she could be comforted; tears rolled down her cheeks as she found her way to the kitchen door. "Sho fe pami iwo omo yiii? Why r u wasting my food? Things are more expensive these days o", she scolded playfully. I could tell she didn't mind that I experimented with her food stuff and I was grateful for that. The worrying thing was that she wouldn't stop laughing at my food; I worked hard for hours to make this happen.

 "Ladipo....Ladi...Abayomi....Yooooomi.... abi who is there?", she called out frantically to my brothers in a bid to share her laughter with someone. Like lightening, the imps that complete "The Omokolade triplets" appeared at the scene of the atrocity. "Yes mummy", they chorused; I could see a familiar over-zealous look on their faces.....I knew they were up to something. This was a nightmare for me; my brothers were so ruthless, they had mouths filthier than a Nigerian sewer.

 Ladi quickly opened the pot of stew and jumped back yelling "ah, therz death in the pot". Laff wan kill am die; even the most mentally stable one Yomi, laughed loudly in the background as he passed scathing remarks about the fruit of my labour. In a fit of rage, I hurled an onion bulb wildly; sadly it hit and sent my 3-year old nephew sprawling to the ground. It was unfortunate that he wandered into the kitchen at that time. I couldn't even be bothered, I just wanted this cup to pass.

 I know I was just experimenting with food; "no one's first meal turns out perfect", I consoled myself. Deep down, I could tell where it all went wrong. I remember preparing the poundo-yam like custard (pouring d powder and some water into the pot and adding boiled water thereafter without continued heating).....No wonder the thing turned out with a million and one KOKOs. The stew was just the height, I forgot to clean the fish i.e. remove the scales, fins, gills and bile.(Your boy just cut the fish up and boiled with a dose of every seasoning/ingredient on the shelf)....let us just say I made rubbish.

 I could hear my mum's voice over the phone, she already called my aunty in London just to have a good laugh about my attempted lunch. Her voice grew louder each time she recounted the story to my aunty. I just stayed in the kitchen looking sad as I stared at my supposed food of life with disgust. Maybe cooking isn't my thing....afterall I love to eat, I convinced myself. Maybe that is my strong point, I mumbled on.

 Funny enough everyone in my family still taunted me about my "food of life" up until last week; then I silenced the critics by making a real "lunch of destiny". You wouldn't believe my ailing grandpa wanted extras. Every single person that ate at that table licked their fingers with gusto and wiped their plates clean.....like CR7 celebrated his goal against Barça in the Copa Del Ray victory, I stood head up and walked tall as my extended family hung their heads in shame.

 Compliments came from every quarter even though they were done grudgingly, the way they were humbled by my newly found culinary genius appeased me......I was so glad eh ^.^ From that day, I learnt a thing or two....maybe three.

 - Not getting something right is the best way to learn how not to go about it.

 - The best form of revenge is success.

 - The best thing to do when you are accused of incompetence is to work on knowing your onions.


#Jah Bless

Bitter Kola

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh dis Kester of a boy is a baaaaastard; if I see him ehn id make sure his blood stains my hands. I'd beat him up so bad, break his nose and make sure he is half dead before I leave him", I threatened as I fumed in the presence of my girlfriend.

 She sat there in silence as she listened to me as if under compulsion; Her eyes blinkered occasionally even though she held my hands tightly, her grip was powerful like Death and her eyes comforting like newly found riches. After my rant was over, she said to me in the sweetest speaking voice I've ever heard, "Baby what happened to being cool, calm and collected" as she wrapped her arms around my torso and looked up at my angry face with the most beautiful pair of eyes I've ever seen. In a split second, the saliva dried up in my mouth as I turned away feeling foolish. Kester messed up of course; he went ahead to submit my proposal to a company behind my back. For the idea he was to be paid N50M, thank God I got an anonymous tip-off from the Director's office. The whole Idea was mine;I couldn't believe my ears. I merely told Kester about it just because I wanted to save a backup file on his laptop.

 This vermin went ahead to sell my idea as if were his. Thank God I patented the whole ish 3weeks back, N5000 had saved me a fortune. I was glad my girlfriend called me to order, if not I would have spawned in a fit of rage and done something I'd surely live to regret. All men ought to have chics like her around them....it makes the whole difference.

Uloma was the petite light skinned eastern beauty I was dating at the time. She was not only beautiful; she was poised and perceptive. To be honest, I loved talking to her especially when an issue was bothering me. The hurt disappeared everytime I told her what was up.

She had the right words for every situation; be-it anger, frustration, dejection, de-motivation, fear, folly or even short sightedness. She seemed like a mother in a girlfriend's body......how awesome! People said she had my mumu button in-hand but whossai? I just loved that she loved attending to me.

 It was all rice and stew until I started noticing somethings; it became apparent my "Queen" wasn't all perfect as I thought. Even though she was very reliable, understanding and available; something was missing. Uloma never talked about herself or anything bothering her, even when I tried to find out what was going on she mumbled some indistinct words and beamed the spotlight back on me.

 After a few fruitless attempts to get Uloma talking, I gave up. Then I slumped into a state of "rotteness"; I became this over grown baby who hugged the spotlight, never asked or worried about my girl (shebi shez cool like that na) hmmmmmn little did I know I was digging my own grave.

 One lazy saturday afternoon, my girl called to meet up at our usual spot later that evening. After "baffing up" I got there to meet a ferocious looking girlfriend sipping water through a straw (strange behaviour yh). My suspicion hit the roof when I saw her waiting for me 15mins to the set time (Uloma was never on-time for anything). She got up the moment she saw me and barely hugged me before she started talking almost immediately.

 Now my heart raced and for the first time that year; I was nervous. "Uloma, what's up?",I asked. A loud silence responded; after about two long minutes Uloma muttered "I can't do this again BJ". I was visibly shaken, didn't know what to think; I never hurt her in fact I treated her like I would my wife. What then could have happened?

 "Are you okay Uloma? What can't you do again? Baby talk to me!" I coaxed on. As if possessed she screamed "BJ I'm done with this relationship, you are the most selfish prick I've ever met in my life, you think everything is about you. What about me? What about how I feel and what I'm going through? Did you even know that I lost my mum last month?". I felt faint.

 I didn't even know where to start from, my girlfriend lost her mum and I didn't even know (Major fuckery). I just sat there and watched her cry, I couldn't even say anything. Just when I was about to open my mouth, Uloma shrieked "You see!!! This is what I'm saying, you just don't get it" as she banged the table simultaneously. "What is it Uloma? I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me, I thought you had it all covered" I whined. She retorted in a very angry tone that all she wanted from me was an effort; she wanted me to push harder and see through all her barricades.

What a sad day it was for me; the atm swallowed my card, Arsenal my favorite soccer team lost at home and to crown it up my girlfriend left me. I always thought I would marry Uloma #tragic Anyways I never got back with Uloma no matter how hard I tried; she just refused to date me again.

 Eventually I learned a thing or two about women.
 1) The constant nodding of the lizard doesn't mean all is well.

 2) The heavy silence in the graveyard doesn't mean all the souls there are at peace.

 3) Men are supposed to know when a No means Yes, when a No means No and vice versa.

 4) Women just want to see you make an effort sometimes; it makes them feel loved.

Today I'm still unmarried; I have a house of my own in Surulere, a fat bank account, a company and 2 state of the art cars; yet no girl like Uloma *sigh* I hope to marry her tho...she is still single; she never had another boyfriend after me.

Thinking Cap

Its almost 3am and I lay on the bare floor; not hoping to find some sleep but with a desire to meditate on my love life. I feel like there is this untapped reservoir of feelings deep down but then my inner GOAT is bleating "bobo gbagbe oshi" *in Olamide's voice*. In defence another brother, my inner Justin Timberlake says in a high pitched voice as the beat of lovestoned played in the distance "BJ follow your heart".

 Who do I listen to? The ewure in me says I shudnt be a learner, the sexy lover boy says I shud follow my heart. *sigh* The last time I checked, my heart wants virtually everything good my eye sees; I'm greedy, flirtatious and shy of commitment (Terrible combination). Oboy following that heart na longthing o, but wudnt I be foolish to listen to a GOAT? How can a goat be telling me what to do?

 On the other hand, the GOAT might have a point here; The tingling feeling in my tommy might just mean nothing, the racing of my heart when I think of that certain somebody could be inconsequential. Why then am I bothering myself with all these things? My mates are out there making money, I'm here hugging pillow and rolling around on the floor. *Shiior*

 To hell with babes and all the drama that comes with them, I muttered to myself as I mindlessly looked at my bbm updates (hadn't touched my fone since like 10pm). That same second I jerked back to life as I stared at a display picture that caught my eye; I swallowed saliva hard. Neither Picasso nor Moliére fit paint this kain beauty walahi; if God spent 5 seconds on every normal human being during creation, he surely spent about 15 seconds on this beauty.

 Instantly my inner perv started looking at all the curves on this sister; from her smile to her bosom and then her posterior. ^.^ If I were to be born in the days of Moses I'm sure I wud have been cut down instantly; the thoughts I had towards that sister were not scriptural at all o lol.

 Nevertheless I stared on, even zoomed the picture and fed my eyes even though I just made a vow to stay off women. OMG I'm not a perv, I said to myself as I hurriedly closed the picture. I broke my vow seconds after making a decision to stay away from these descendants of Eve (how sad).

 YES I do feel a mad rush of feelings within me when I see a wonderfully crafted woman (This is a natural male characteristic). I could feel the same for a fearfully made woman if she has a great intellect (hope u dig this) lol but then what does this feeling imply? Is this what they call LOVE? If this is LOVE then I must be in love with like half the population of Africa lol (˘̯˘ )

 I'm tired of asking people what LOVE is, they never seem to be able to give me an answer. I wanna believe they also don't know what love is. If no-one can define what love is but yet everyone talks about it, then its okay to say love is a myth like flying carpets, the tall man (stalking shadow), unicorns and genies.

 Love is a feeling, I believe. Many say its a choice, others think Love just happens (co-incidence) and a few believe there is no love. To be fair, let's create an intercourse between these various beliefs on Love to form something substantial and definitive.

 I quickly grabbed my pen and notepad and wrote somewhere at the back "Love is that uncontrollable force of nature that makes humans feel like they are sentenced to a life of affection, actions and loyalty by nobody".

 Feeling dissatisfied i looked at the Love definition I wrote down again and laughed scornfully as I dropped my pen, "still doesn't make any sense to me" I muttered.

Bad Market

Somewhere in the heart of Surulere, an angry mob protests violently as they chant against something I don't even know about. A man in his late 30's cut himself severely to show his dis-contentment, even though he was bleeding profusely and on the verge of losing his life, he still managed to scream faintly "I hate Black Jesus, I hate him, dieeeeeeeeee dieeeeeee dieeeeeeeee loser".

 As i turned around to look at his face, the dying man raised his left hand and showed me the middle finger as his soul left his body......he identified me despite the maddening crowd, thank God he was too faint to talk. I would have been chicken pilao.

 (Seconds after i walked away from his lifeless body a woman screamed from distance alerting the others that the Black Jesus they so wanted to kill was fleeing). The angry mob began to chase me, I turned back and could see their fiery eyes.

 I kept on running and running and running as I occasionally looked back to see the mob increasing rather than diminishing. These people pursued me from Masha in surulere to Ikota shopping complex in Lekki. Oh shit!!! I'm toast I said to myself as I hit 200km/ph.

In a flash, I ran past a Mercedes GL 500 on the 3rd Mainland bridge If I can recall correctly. Now the mob and all the cars on the road started pursuing me, the railings, traffic lights and road signs joined in the pursuit. Dammit!!! I was like, "there is no going back" as I doubled my speed. 400km/ph was my top speed, in seconds I zoomed past the 1st and 2nd round-about.

 Suddenly I felt my fone vibrate and I brought it out, I knew I received a new ping :D Gbagaaaaas I fell on the road and rolled for another 50meters before I was surrounded by about a thousand and one black and sweaty bodies. Most of which had that pungent sweat smell. "Let this cup pass o Lord" I muttered as the unbearable smell scared me more than the impeding doom looming.

One woman in the crowd howled like a red indian and in less than a minute every single soul there replicated her repeated howls. It was like apocalypto in Ikota to me. Shiiiiii!!!! They stripped me off my princely robes, in other words my clothes and the crowd began to chant angrily "Crucify him!!! Crucify himm!!! Crucify himmmmm"

 I screamed ontop of my voice repeatedly "I'm nooooooooooooooooot Jesus Christ, I'm Black Jesus repeatedly" I tried explaining to the people very close to me that I wasn't the same as the person they thought I was. "Crucify him!!! Crucify himm!!! Crucify himmmmm" they kept on chanting in unison.

All of a sudden, I woke up in a pool of my own sweat breathing heavily as I stared at the wall clock; it was just a few minutes past 5. I could hear the call to worship from a faraway mosque. My heart raced as I began to ask myself what kind of dream that was.

Did I just peer into the future? Was that just a dream? Are they pursuing me from my village? Was the universe trying to tell me to change my name from Black Jesus that I am no Jesus?

Many ideas kept running through my head as I lay on my bed; Thirty minutes later I unconsciously picked up my pen and note-pad. In a flash I began writing like I was copying it from a book; ideas and concepts kept flowing. There and then I decided I was going to keep doing whatever I was doing regardless of the fact that I had a bad dream.

 "Contrary thoughts ought not to hinder me from doing what I love doing", I soliloquiesed.....such is life too. Even though you sometimes get negative vibes about your ambitions and activities, you shouldn't give-up just immediately. Assess properly and if you are convinced.....press further; It makes all the difference!

Ps: No person, idea or plan that's not worth it ever faces opposition, only worthwhile ones do. Even though you might want to reconsider and weigh your options, the first thought is usually the most correct one; Follow your heart