Coded Tunes

"As little as the salt is in a pot of stew, its absence renders the other ingredients practically useless". In a harsh tone, my grand uncle spake these words while pointing his wrinkled finger at me as if he was trying to place a curse on me. In anger, I stormed out of his presence; How could my own blood wish me ill? I couldn't understand why someone would claim to be helping yet be so forceful.

 Everyone in our extended family knew him for his wise sayings, many of which were in our local dialect (yoruba). Truth be told, he was a man of substance and immense wisdom but his garrulous nature overshadowed the little virtue he had to hang onto. To his wife, Pa James was a vindictive person, family members kept him at an arms length because of his reputation of being cantankerous. Even strangers were afraid to hold conversations with him because of his fierce looks. All these never bothered him though; he simply refused to change.

 Armed with basic primary education, he clearly wasn't a man of vocabulary. His sentences were always in yoruba or pidgin except the times he quoted his famous saying "As little as salt is in a pot of stew, its absence renders the other ingredients practically useless". Asides that, my grand uncle was an illiterate. He was so clueless, he couldn't draw a circle with the base of a coke bottle.

 I don't mean to insult him or berate him due to his level of education and exposure, I'm merely describing my grand uncle without prejudice. Even as he was, I was never ashamed of the man. We had our disagreements every now and then but whenever I returned to the village with my wife and kids, it always ended in a cacophony; 2 men, shattered bones of bush meat, several empty gourds of palm-wine and a reprobate mind.

 In other words, my grand uncle and I were buddies; buddies fight a lot you know? He treated me like the son he never had, always willing to offer me advice. Familiarity they say brings contempt, I think I became too familiar with pa James that I began to disregard his words. He kept hammering his advice and sometimes resorted to screaming at me. I recall yelling back at him on one occasion, he shook his head vigorously and sighed.

 This time like other times, I failed to listen to my grand uncle. He bellowed his over flogged proverb at me and I took it with levity. Reasons being, Pa James used that same proverb for every situation. Some people naively believed the proverb was so deep that it applied to every situation, in turn I felt my uncle loved to amuse himself by speaking the only sentence of english language he ever knew.

 I'm in a mess now and I don't think there is a solution available. With my own hands, I put myself in harms way without being aware. I hurriedly signed the terms and conditions of a contract out of excitement and now I'm paying the price.

 If only I took time out to read the tiny-print, would i be in such a precarious situation? Ignorance is no defence in the face of the law, they say. I had to bear the grave consequences for violating a contract I duly signed.

 During these trying times, I wished my grand uncle gave me his advice Nollywood style; the type good old people usually say with a shaky voice on their death bed as typified in many Nigerian movies. Maybe I would have taken him more serious, just maybe...

In the end, I learnt that:
• Don Perignon even though served in a stainless cup remains Don Perignon. The container is just aesthetics, the content however remains the same with its quality uncompromised.

 •If you want to help someone, never shove it down their throats. You could be doing the antonym of help.

 •Its only wise to pay attention to detail. Something seemingly redundant as a tittle might hinder greatness. Muse on it!

Efiko

Last weekend fizzled out before my eyes even though I was involved in endless physically/mentally challenging tasks. I had to travel many hours on an airline carrier whose plane must have celebrated its golden jubilee a few years back. The noise of the engine and the annoyingly obvious re-engineered upholstery exposed its ailing health.

 The uncertainty of safe landing coupled with the poor on-air service ensured the consistency of sweat beads all over my face till I de-planed at Ouagadougou Airport, Burkina Faso. On a second look at my ticket, I felt like a hypocrite; the return ticket I purchased during a promo cost me barely $250 and I was expecting VIP treatment? As if the rigours of the flight was not enough, my ordeal in the bus to Gaoua was horrendous; I honestly don't have the knowledge of words that would adequately capture my emotions.

 Notwithstanding, I arrived at the venue of the conference as flesh and blood. After securing the poorest accommodation available, I hurriedly took a bath and dashed towards the banquet hall hoping to get a choice designation for the conference. I was later told the sessions were to hold in a wasteland nearby. For 2 days, we spent most of our time listening to the erudite Prof Lazarus Bance in the forest as he cried out passionately to his fellow African compatriots.

 Though he often pontificated, his words were true and he drove his point home with hilarious illustrations that sent all the delegates into raptures. Prof. Bance was able to explain to us the relationship between wisdom and development as he constantly made comparison between Africa and the Western hemisphere.

 He explained the benefits of wisdom and lashed out at its misconceptions. He humorously claimed that "If wisdom was indeed really beneficial on its own, Africa should be the 'Golden Goose' of the universe. He suggested that we all recommend to our home governments and people to take wisdom beyond mere rhetoric, then a reciprocal relationship between wisdom and constructive development would kick-off.

 At the end of the conference, we were all handed a 50-paged manual containing African proverbs, adages and sayings. I was fascinated by the following:

 •When the right hand washes the left hand and the left hand washes the right hand, both hands become clean.

 •Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far in life.

 •He who cannot dance will always say: The drum is bad.

 •Even over cold pap the coward says: “It will burn my mouth".

 •If you're hiding, do not light a fire.

 •If you want to walk fast, walk alone; if you want to walk far, walk with others.

 •Confiding a secret to an unworthy person is like carrying grain in a bag with a hole.

 •A hunter who has only one arrow does not shoot with careless aim.

 •It is from a small seed that the giant Iroko tree has its beginning. 

•The failure to catch the thief in a farm is what leads the thief to catch the owner in his barn.

 •Bathing yourself with garri does not satisfy your hunger.

 •You can't beat your chest with 1 finger. You need them all.

 •If you don't want to see evil. Talk to your legs

 •We asked him to work, he was murmuring and grumbling, has he not done more than work?

 After reading over 1000 African proverbs and sayings, the appendix listed the continents of the world, showed the number of great empires they had in the past, ranked their philosophical depth and showed their cummulative GDP (per capita income). Africa ranked top in alphabetical order, past glory and philosophical depth but sat comfortably at the bottom when it came to developmental economic indices.

 On my flight back to Lagos, I thought to myself; If Prof. Bance's research finding was anything to go by, then "to know is never enough, we must apply". I vowed not to go in the way of Africa who is loaded with so much but suffers greatly due to under-utilisation and misappropriation of resources. What about you?

Foot Soldier

Oghale graduated from one of the accredited tertiary institutions in southern Nigeria about 4years ago. Having spent her service year lazing around in Umuahia even though she was deployed to teach at the community secondary school for her quota of service to the nation, she hoped she would get a decent job at an A-list company preferably in the oil and gas industry after she returned back home from the National Service.

Months turned into more months and she found herself rejecting various job offers. Her reasons: the remuneration was low, the conditions of work was not what she envisioned, the job description was herculean and to crown it all; the place was too far from where she lived.

 Truth be told, Oghale was qualified in all ramifications to occupy her dream job. However, some forces were acting as a bane to her getting what she deserved. When I say forces, I don't mean spiritual or 'occultic' forces...I mean socio-economic cum political forces that directly or indirectly re-write the destinies of the Nigerian youths.

These forces don't need to carry "ebo" for you and drop it at a T-junction by 2am or nail your name to a banana tree tied with a red cloth or write your name on a padlock and throw it into the river to ruin your life. They simply deprive you of your primary human needs and fundamental rights.

 The current salary system according to Oghale isn't beneficial to employees. They work an average of 9hrs daily and there is hardly anything to show for it; not even steady salary increments. This of course would have negative effects especially in the unstable economy that we live in.

 The last time I spoke to her, she categorically told me that the employers of labour don't care. Incentives to encourage the staff are non-existent but as it is popularly said in Nigeria, "we have no choice but to stay and 'manage' cos there are no jobs out there". Even after spending so much money on formal education, excursions, certification courses and the likes, the average well rounded youth has a 1:4 chance of getting a job commensurate to his/her worth, ability and desire.

 In the light of this, Oghale felt it was best she owned her business and joined the countless CEO's without an office. She wanted to say no to "30-days make one pay" because she feels the future of salary earners isn't secure. Such monies are not usually commensurate to the amount of work and energy used by employees. Can one really cope over a long term? Especially in the light of increasing responsibilities, high cost of living, high inflationary rate and dipping living standards.

 In order not to join the numerous 21st century Robin Hoods who steal from the rich and give to themselves, Oghale decided to try her hands on entrepreneurship. Corruption and dishonesty wasn't an option for her as she would never compromise her high moral standards not even in the wake of penury.

 Starting up her small business seemed easy in the mind. She was encouraged by the numerous ads and speeches given everywhere that "being your own boss is the way to go". Sourcing her start-up capital was easy, her rich uncle willingly lent her the money. She filed the necessary documents and was duly registered but the million dollar question was "where would the clients come from?"

 After struggling and running at a deficit for about 3years, she decided to call it quits. Sad, mad and battered, she decided to take up any job anywhere just to make ends meet. She applied to several places to no avail. This time it seemed the universe was against her and she regretted her decision to dabble into entrepreneurship. She began to ask where she got it wrong.

 I believe it all happened that way because she was living her life without purpose. Regardless of the situation in the country, if she was determined in her heart to tow a certain line; she wouldn't be confused nor would she live her life based on assumptions. No wonder, the holy book says "where there is no vision, the people perish".

 What is your own case? Is the course you are studying/place you are working in line with your dream? What strategies have you mapped out to get to your destination? Do you want to barely survive, build a career or build an empire?

 Whatever your case is, ensure you know what you are doing, where you are going and never compare your life's journey with another's. Remember, last-last, you're on your own.

Boss Mode

After about 6 months of working on this concept, Olabisi Oniro my reporter finally got the opportunity to interview Otunba Danjuma Gboju; a leading industrialist and tycoon in Nigeria (names are fictitious for confidential reasons). He was willing to chat with her in his Chauffeur-driven Toyota Sequoia sans camera or tape recorder.

  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  (Interview)
Bisi: Good evening Mr Danjuma Gboju, Thank you for making out time for me. I'm conducting an opinion poll on the Perception of the labour from the employers/employees angle and I have some questions for you.

 Otunba: oh wonderful! Not a problem....shoot!!!

 Bisi: How learned are you sir?

 Otunba: I have an M.Sc in International Relations/diplomacy from the prestigious Imperial College London asides my impeccable business development skills, I have many international certifications in my name. On a softer note, I'm an accomplished chef.

 Bisi: It was once rumoured that you once sold your own mother and bought her back for half the price. How true is that?

 Otunba: *laughs hysterically* That is so not true. My mother has never been auctioned or put up for sale under any circumstance. I want to believe that the rumour is an artistic liberty to imply that I'm a very shrewd businessman.

 Bisi: Thank you sir for clearing our doubt. In terms of employment, I know you are a very big employer of labour with over 2000 employees on your payroll. However, the word out there is that your staff are grossly underpaid. How true is this?

 Otunba: Honestly I'm surprised that such a rumour is being peddled about my leadership and my businesses. Its a big shame that some people would stir up such an unsubstantiated claim just to drag my name in the mud. Let God be the judge!

 Bisi: *smiling softly* I understand that some people are not happy with your success and I believe you would be vindicated in the end. However, I am curious to how much a recruit/graduate level staff earns at Jaguda Holdings; one of your numerous companies. I might be interested in working with you.

 Otunba: I cannot categorically tell you how much they earn, my HR Manager would be in a better position to brief you on that.

 Bisi: On a more personal level, how much would I earn if I decided to come work for you with less than 2years of work experience?

 Otunba: *clears throat* You seem really persistent, I would say a region of N70,000 as a full staff and N30,000-N40,000 as a graduate intern after tax.

 Bisi: Ah!!! After working 9hours per day for 5days a week? This means I would be earning N3500 per day, N389 per hour,N6.5 per minute and 10kobo per second as a full staff. Then as a graduate intern, I would probably be earning N1500 per day, N167 per hour, N2.80kobo per minute and 4kobo per second.

 Otunba: If you see it like that "lady". *smiling* I would advice you to look beyond the present. You would be open to opportunities, you would be getting a lot of experience and also a chance to network with others; so its not about the money exactly.

 Bisi: Splendid, so what do you think about the current salary system in Nigeria compared to what obtains in the developed world?

 Otunba: I believe the Nigerian salary system is unjust, most people are not paid according to the amount of effort put into work but based on position. In all honesty, I would suggest we replicate the hourly salary system used in the western world; it would be a win-win situation for employers and employees alike.

 Bisi: When you say win-win situation, do you mean that the employers and employess would benefit but the employers would benefit more?

 Otunba: *laughs heartily* By win-win, I mean win-win. I didn't speak with water in my mouth. If you borrow my futuristic spectacles, you would find out that a reform of the Nigerian salary system would be advantageous to all. Workers would be motivated, they would receive better rewards for their efforts and would most likely work for lesser hours. The employers would enjoy the services of their efficient staff and would ease themselves of the burden of deadwood on their payroll. Bisi: So this new salary regime you are talking about, how does it affect unemployment?

 Otunba: This doesn't change the fact that many people in Nigerian are unemployed and are more than willing to take up these few available jobs under any circumstance. Its quite clear that unemployment is a global phenomenon and I believe strongly that if people are paid hourly/according to their efficiency, there would be fewer cases of square pegs in round holes. The incompetent ones would lose their jobs and other people would have access to jobs that have the ability and skill for.

 Bisi: In the wake of unemployment do u for-see the rise of a modern day Robin Hood, who steals from the rich and gives to himself? Please give reasons why or why not.

 Otunba: Of course there would be rise of many Robin Hoods since the system is so unjust. This is simply because the general belief is that you can't get what you need the right way but by force or other corrupt means.

 Bisi: Such vision sir! *smiling* I gathered that you have a son who is currently serving the nation in Oyo State. Are you saying that he would be happy and comfortable to earn either N30,000 or N70,000 after spending 5years studying Engineering in a private university in Nigeria where a session's tuition is about 1000% higher than that of a public University?

 Otunba: I do not feel comfortable with this interview anymore. I'm uncertain to your motives. Is this a personal vendetta or what?

 Bisi: I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable sir, that was just a curious mind probing with youthful exuberance.

 Otunba: *signals to continue*

 Bisi: What do you forsee as the future of salary earners?

 Otunba: I see a continuous cycle of under-productivity as most salary earners would continue to face d problem of not being paid enough to meet their insatiable wants because no matter how much they earn, their taste and their needs would always increase directly and proportionately. This in turn could affect their devotion to work, their level of productivity and ultimately Nigeria's Gross Domestic Product (GDP).

 Bisi: Thank you for granting me audience today. The whole Black Jesus team sends their gratitude.

 Otunba: Its a pleasure. Don't forget to send me a copy of your magazine when it is printed.

(Next week our correspondent Olabisi Oniro would be reporting a similar story. This time the interview would be conducted on a junior staff rather than an employer of labour).
 Anticipate!