Saturday Special

I bumped into an ex-girlfriend at Cold Stone creamery and I couldn't help but write my about encounter. My one-time African Queen had grown to become a colossal nightmare in the space of barely 5 years. She looked like Nemo as she walked back to her seat with 2 large cups containing scoops of different flavours.

 With my eyes, I traced her to her seat and watched her eat. What I saw was shocking, if I decide to narrate, things would definitely get awry. Let's just say nobody should eat like that especially as a lady in public.

 I was still watching her eat greedily when she caught my gaze on her. She screamed excitedly and came over to my table 'pizza in hand'. I couldn't have wished for worse; she force hugged me, rubbing her seemingly water-logged body against mine and planted a kiss on my cheek with her ice cream stained mouth. Her breath smelled of onions and I could even hear her breathe loudly.

 After the usual pleasantries which I kept at its briefest, I tried to dismiss her to no avail. She kept talking loudly about old times and asking what happened to our love. The embarrassment was killing me, I didn't want to be associated with her in any way, most especially not before an audience.

 Eventually, she left. I could swear that this same girl who once oozed the pulchritude of Mila Kunis now had a striking resemblance to an Egyptian onion. So much dangling fat and many folds encompassed her corpus. I considered talking to her about her weight but decided to keep mum.

 If this write-up sparks up anger, resentment or makes you feel uncomfortable, so much so that you are asking yourself certain questions or concluding about the writer's position, then the following are for you:

 •Yes I know some of us have it in our genes to be big, this doesn't mean we should go about doing what slimmer people would do especially in the area of food. We are at a risk already, why put ourselves in harm's way?

 •The modification of certain words in the dictionary such as Fat shouldn't delude us. There is a clear difference between being plus sized/thick and being fat. Any misuse would attract great scorn from the public. Hence, be sincere with yourself about how you look and take it from there.

 •The holy book says "if thou be a man given to appetite, put a knife to your throat...". Self control is key. I know you have various slimming teas and shakes, I'm aware you go for detox sessions too. Notwithstanding, make a conscious effort to eat with caution judging from the fact that you're not aspiring to become a sumo wrestler.

 Nuff said.