9th of May,2013.
Dear Diary...
I'm being bashed. The realisation just struck me like a lightening bolt. I, a public defender, am being bashed. I'm to defend the members of the public yet, I'm being bashed; and it took me six months to realize it. Six months!!! Even Kim Kardashian realised her marriage was 'fake' barely after 72 days!
The bully bashing me is tall, dark and huge...and he carries himself well. Very intelligent. Charming even. Extremely convincing.
I remember when I met him. I held him in awe. Once upon a time political office holder. Loved by all in his community. A successful man in his profession. A Philanthropist, an 'omoluabi', as the Yorubas would put it. Little did I know how quickly time would slice through my illusion with a cold knife.
That about 25 years of building up my self- confidence could be shaken so easily is beyond me. I gradually began to realize that no matter how hard I tried, nothing I did would ever be good enough. Even if I worked for hours on end, slaving towards perfection, dedicating my weekends and public holidays, it would never meet up to his expectations. I always fall short, yet I try to prove myself on a daily basis. I'm always in the wrong. If he doesn't throw my attempts back in my face, he'll wreck my work. If not, he'll scream at me. Or worse still, he'll use a combination of words to express the level of my 'foolishness'. All this because by virtue of the peanuts he pays, he 'owns' the employee.
Yeah. That's right. The man who bashes me is my employer. Ironically, he's a top public defender.
I grew up in a very warm and cosy environment. With lots of supervision I was able to thrive. Each time I did well, I was validated. There were always kind words, gifts, warm hugs and kisses, celebrations, etcetera. Even when I didn't do too well, I was encouraged to aim higher. At school I knew that if I read and worked hard I would excel. One thing would result in another; It was a given. It was predictable. It was comfortable.
You can imagine the psychological shock I experienced when I got to my place of primary assignment for my Youth Corps and realised that his modus operandi was different. I'm telling you, nothing prepared me for this. The girl who had always been called 'efiko' now wonders if she's an airhead. Each time I want to see him, my heart beats faster and I say many prayers. Prayers for grace. Prayers for wisdom. Prayers for fortitude to bear the loss of confidence which I know awaits me. Just the other day, I was literally trembling in his presence.
The thing is, I've come to a point where I'm tired. And I know this bashing has to stop. I need to act fast because if I let it continue, it will mess up the success of the past years. And it's not worth it.
You see, I'm being psychologically bashed by someone in a higher position than me. And it hurts like crazy. But here's what I came to realize in a fit of rage:
1) I'm all that I am. And nothing will change that. I'm who I am, and I don't need to prove that to anyone.
2) I didn't choose to be bashed. But whether I continue to be bashed is my choice
3) I can rise above this bashing. I can make this bullying of no effect. And here's why:
4) God did not intend for anyone to be bashed, whether physically, sexually, emotionally or psychologically. And no one has done anything to deserve being bashed. So no, I'm not the one with the problem!!!
5) What won't kill me will only make me stronger. But I don't have to wait to see if it will kill me. The pain has already made me tougher. That's enough
6) The greatest revenge you can have on a bully is to show him how you can rise above his hurtful words, beating, manipulation, molestation, etc. Don't do it for revenge, do it for yourself, because God made you for something much better than this.
In conclusion, I'll edit the words of Sir Alex Ferguson. 'I know how good I am. I know whose Identity I carry. I won't let God down, I won't let myself down.' Don't just know yourself and your worth. Act like you do. Damsel, arise!
In honour of the fight against women bashing.
Dear Diary...
I'm being bashed. The realisation just struck me like a lightening bolt. I, a public defender, am being bashed. I'm to defend the members of the public yet, I'm being bashed; and it took me six months to realize it. Six months!!! Even Kim Kardashian realised her marriage was 'fake' barely after 72 days!
The bully bashing me is tall, dark and huge...and he carries himself well. Very intelligent. Charming even. Extremely convincing.
I remember when I met him. I held him in awe. Once upon a time political office holder. Loved by all in his community. A successful man in his profession. A Philanthropist, an 'omoluabi', as the Yorubas would put it. Little did I know how quickly time would slice through my illusion with a cold knife.
That about 25 years of building up my self- confidence could be shaken so easily is beyond me. I gradually began to realize that no matter how hard I tried, nothing I did would ever be good enough. Even if I worked for hours on end, slaving towards perfection, dedicating my weekends and public holidays, it would never meet up to his expectations. I always fall short, yet I try to prove myself on a daily basis. I'm always in the wrong. If he doesn't throw my attempts back in my face, he'll wreck my work. If not, he'll scream at me. Or worse still, he'll use a combination of words to express the level of my 'foolishness'. All this because by virtue of the peanuts he pays, he 'owns' the employee.
Yeah. That's right. The man who bashes me is my employer. Ironically, he's a top public defender.
I grew up in a very warm and cosy environment. With lots of supervision I was able to thrive. Each time I did well, I was validated. There were always kind words, gifts, warm hugs and kisses, celebrations, etcetera. Even when I didn't do too well, I was encouraged to aim higher. At school I knew that if I read and worked hard I would excel. One thing would result in another; It was a given. It was predictable. It was comfortable.
You can imagine the psychological shock I experienced when I got to my place of primary assignment for my Youth Corps and realised that his modus operandi was different. I'm telling you, nothing prepared me for this. The girl who had always been called 'efiko' now wonders if she's an airhead. Each time I want to see him, my heart beats faster and I say many prayers. Prayers for grace. Prayers for wisdom. Prayers for fortitude to bear the loss of confidence which I know awaits me. Just the other day, I was literally trembling in his presence.
The thing is, I've come to a point where I'm tired. And I know this bashing has to stop. I need to act fast because if I let it continue, it will mess up the success of the past years. And it's not worth it.
You see, I'm being psychologically bashed by someone in a higher position than me. And it hurts like crazy. But here's what I came to realize in a fit of rage:
1) I'm all that I am. And nothing will change that. I'm who I am, and I don't need to prove that to anyone.
2) I didn't choose to be bashed. But whether I continue to be bashed is my choice
3) I can rise above this bashing. I can make this bullying of no effect. And here's why:
4) God did not intend for anyone to be bashed, whether physically, sexually, emotionally or psychologically. And no one has done anything to deserve being bashed. So no, I'm not the one with the problem!!!
5) What won't kill me will only make me stronger. But I don't have to wait to see if it will kill me. The pain has already made me tougher. That's enough
6) The greatest revenge you can have on a bully is to show him how you can rise above his hurtful words, beating, manipulation, molestation, etc. Don't do it for revenge, do it for yourself, because God made you for something much better than this.
In conclusion, I'll edit the words of Sir Alex Ferguson. 'I know how good I am. I know whose Identity I carry. I won't let God down, I won't let myself down.' Don't just know yourself and your worth. Act like you do. Damsel, arise!
In honour of the fight against women bashing.
Another dimension to violence against women. :o never imagined this was part of it. Kudos
ReplyDeleteI'm Mphile from Malawi, a friend told me about this blog and I check it on google. Wonderful write-ups from the 1st to the 27th post. I see you gave 'The Voice' a chance to write for your blog, I'd love to do some contributory writing; I think I have the talent too. Email me: JoeM@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteThank you Black Jesus.
This is a very nice post BJ, u did a gud job scouting The Voice...great potential here.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mphile and anonymous; your kind words give me the encouragement to continue.
ReplyDeleteI'm open 2 write ups from my readers as long as they r interesting, educative and original. You can send them to sheunadeola@gmail.com.
From time to time, BJ would promote aspiring writers.
Thanks World!