Bitter Kola

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh dis Kester of a boy is a baaaaastard; if I see him ehn id make sure his blood stains my hands. I'd beat him up so bad, break his nose and make sure he is half dead before I leave him", I threatened as I fumed in the presence of my girlfriend.

 She sat there in silence as she listened to me as if under compulsion; Her eyes blinkered occasionally even though she held my hands tightly, her grip was powerful like Death and her eyes comforting like newly found riches. After my rant was over, she said to me in the sweetest speaking voice I've ever heard, "Baby what happened to being cool, calm and collected" as she wrapped her arms around my torso and looked up at my angry face with the most beautiful pair of eyes I've ever seen. In a split second, the saliva dried up in my mouth as I turned away feeling foolish. Kester messed up of course; he went ahead to submit my proposal to a company behind my back. For the idea he was to be paid N50M, thank God I got an anonymous tip-off from the Director's office. The whole Idea was mine;I couldn't believe my ears. I merely told Kester about it just because I wanted to save a backup file on his laptop.

 This vermin went ahead to sell my idea as if were his. Thank God I patented the whole ish 3weeks back, N5000 had saved me a fortune. I was glad my girlfriend called me to order, if not I would have spawned in a fit of rage and done something I'd surely live to regret. All men ought to have chics like her around them....it makes the whole difference.

Uloma was the petite light skinned eastern beauty I was dating at the time. She was not only beautiful; she was poised and perceptive. To be honest, I loved talking to her especially when an issue was bothering me. The hurt disappeared everytime I told her what was up.

She had the right words for every situation; be-it anger, frustration, dejection, de-motivation, fear, folly or even short sightedness. She seemed like a mother in a girlfriend's body......how awesome! People said she had my mumu button in-hand but whossai? I just loved that she loved attending to me.

 It was all rice and stew until I started noticing somethings; it became apparent my "Queen" wasn't all perfect as I thought. Even though she was very reliable, understanding and available; something was missing. Uloma never talked about herself or anything bothering her, even when I tried to find out what was going on she mumbled some indistinct words and beamed the spotlight back on me.

 After a few fruitless attempts to get Uloma talking, I gave up. Then I slumped into a state of "rotteness"; I became this over grown baby who hugged the spotlight, never asked or worried about my girl (shebi shez cool like that na) hmmmmmn little did I know I was digging my own grave.

 One lazy saturday afternoon, my girl called to meet up at our usual spot later that evening. After "baffing up" I got there to meet a ferocious looking girlfriend sipping water through a straw (strange behaviour yh). My suspicion hit the roof when I saw her waiting for me 15mins to the set time (Uloma was never on-time for anything). She got up the moment she saw me and barely hugged me before she started talking almost immediately.

 Now my heart raced and for the first time that year; I was nervous. "Uloma, what's up?",I asked. A loud silence responded; after about two long minutes Uloma muttered "I can't do this again BJ". I was visibly shaken, didn't know what to think; I never hurt her in fact I treated her like I would my wife. What then could have happened?

 "Are you okay Uloma? What can't you do again? Baby talk to me!" I coaxed on. As if possessed she screamed "BJ I'm done with this relationship, you are the most selfish prick I've ever met in my life, you think everything is about you. What about me? What about how I feel and what I'm going through? Did you even know that I lost my mum last month?". I felt faint.

 I didn't even know where to start from, my girlfriend lost her mum and I didn't even know (Major fuckery). I just sat there and watched her cry, I couldn't even say anything. Just when I was about to open my mouth, Uloma shrieked "You see!!! This is what I'm saying, you just don't get it" as she banged the table simultaneously. "What is it Uloma? I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me, I thought you had it all covered" I whined. She retorted in a very angry tone that all she wanted from me was an effort; she wanted me to push harder and see through all her barricades.

What a sad day it was for me; the atm swallowed my card, Arsenal my favorite soccer team lost at home and to crown it up my girlfriend left me. I always thought I would marry Uloma #tragic Anyways I never got back with Uloma no matter how hard I tried; she just refused to date me again.

 Eventually I learned a thing or two about women.
 1) The constant nodding of the lizard doesn't mean all is well.

 2) The heavy silence in the graveyard doesn't mean all the souls there are at peace.

 3) Men are supposed to know when a No means Yes, when a No means No and vice versa.

 4) Women just want to see you make an effort sometimes; it makes them feel loved.

Today I'm still unmarried; I have a house of my own in Surulere, a fat bank account, a company and 2 state of the art cars; yet no girl like Uloma *sigh* I hope to marry her tho...she is still single; she never had another boyfriend after me.